Control! Alt-Delete it!

Well.


I don't know what to do. I know I want to be with her. 
For a long time.


We had all these aspirations to be together when were older. Now it's all fading away :(
I don't want it too. But it is. I can't stop it. Im not the boyfriend she thought I would be :'(
And that hurts, but its true. Disappointing every person I meet in a different way. The one person I didn't want to hurt in the world, and I completely ruin our future. We had so many goals. But now I feel like they are gone. 
You know what I feel ?
I will tell you exactly what I feel.


I feel like she doesn't like me much anymore and the only reason I haven't been dumped is because she doesn't want to hurt me. I don't want it to be like that. Because I still love you. And I dont want to be lead on. If you don't like me anymore, please dump me. I dont want to be with someone who doesn't love me anymore. 
Enough said.


I just simply hate myself for what I do and what I do to others. Thats the only thing I feel right now. Self hatred. Self distaste.  I am really not liking life very much at the moment. As quoted from one of my favourite songs, "If I could change I would" 
That's so true. I would change so much. I would change my personality for one. I would change so much about myself.




Sometimes I think about what it would be like without her, and never being able to have her again. I would be empty. Lost. All time low.


I would probably just end up joining the army and being a soldier, because the only thing from stopping me from doing that is because I could possibly die (which I dont mind) and I wouldn't want to leave her, for her benefit and my own. If I didn't have her, that's where I would be headed. Probably being shot or blown up. 


I would never commit suicide. It's a waste of a life. Like mentioned above, I would just join the the canadian army and get sent to Afghanistan.  Hell, do something good for once. My ideal way to die.


Bottom line, I really want our relationship to work. Really really bad. If your not happy with our relationship, you dont want to be together forever, you dont love me anymore, please. Dump me. As horrible as it sounds. Please don't lead me on. 
Thank you. 




relationship status:   Nothing can stop us or slow us down?  A lot can slow us down, but I hope nothing can stop us <3