Control! Alt-Delete it!

Well.


I don't know what to do. I know I want to be with her. 
For a long time.


We had all these aspirations to be together when were older. Now it's all fading away :(
I don't want it too. But it is. I can't stop it. Im not the boyfriend she thought I would be :'(
And that hurts, but its true. Disappointing every person I meet in a different way. The one person I didn't want to hurt in the world, and I completely ruin our future. We had so many goals. But now I feel like they are gone. 
You know what I feel ?
I will tell you exactly what I feel.


I feel like she doesn't like me much anymore and the only reason I haven't been dumped is because she doesn't want to hurt me. I don't want it to be like that. Because I still love you. And I dont want to be lead on. If you don't like me anymore, please dump me. I dont want to be with someone who doesn't love me anymore. 
Enough said.


I just simply hate myself for what I do and what I do to others. Thats the only thing I feel right now. Self hatred. Self distaste.  I am really not liking life very much at the moment. As quoted from one of my favourite songs, "If I could change I would" 
That's so true. I would change so much. I would change my personality for one. I would change so much about myself.




Sometimes I think about what it would be like without her, and never being able to have her again. I would be empty. Lost. All time low.


I would probably just end up joining the army and being a soldier, because the only thing from stopping me from doing that is because I could possibly die (which I dont mind) and I wouldn't want to leave her, for her benefit and my own. If I didn't have her, that's where I would be headed. Probably being shot or blown up. 


I would never commit suicide. It's a waste of a life. Like mentioned above, I would just join the the canadian army and get sent to Afghanistan.  Hell, do something good for once. My ideal way to die.


Bottom line, I really want our relationship to work. Really really bad. If your not happy with our relationship, you dont want to be together forever, you dont love me anymore, please. Dump me. As horrible as it sounds. Please don't lead me on. 
Thank you. 




relationship status:   Nothing can stop us or slow us down?  A lot can slow us down, but I hope nothing can stop us <3

Not something hard to see

I love you

I love you so so so so much

omg. I cant be without you </3

Any time you thought I wanted to take FUCKING GOD DAMN BREAK i didnt mean it


ive never thought about dumping you. 


FUCK I HATE MYSELF :'( :'( :'(


its.all.my.fault </3 !!!!!!








I LOVE YOU SO MUCH :'(

i'm dead


we will never be the same


no more dreams, no more nothing






i feel empty inside and out






im dead

I hate myself.  
So.Fucking.Much


I can't even go through a relationship right. 
I want to change






its all because of me


I dont deserve her




She will find a better guy, it wont be hard.








<Theres nothing to lose, when no one knows your name>
<Theres nothing to gain, but the days dont seem to change>
except when im with you.






Goodbye my love.


I will be here for you

For whom the bell tolls..?

I know what you think of me.
Maybe we could be better?


Something tells me not
Only you can fix us. I Cant do anything anymore. Im done


Someone told me I would be okay if you left. I wouldn't, they dont understand.
Our love, or should I say my love for you, <no mutual feelings> cannot die
Redemption? Not a possibility. No more band aids for our relationship 
Reasons? Theres many. She probably doesn't love me, she told me myself.
You mean the world to me. 




I can't fix anything, I never can. She thinks ive never loved her once this entire relationship. She hates me, she said it herself. I want to get back with her but it's probably not going to happen, I dont want to be with someone who doesn't love me. It breaks my heart.


<Dark clouds are hanging all around, I try to pick myself up but I keep falling down><Sometimes I can't even get outta my bed> <Thinking about the night before and stupid shit that I said>


A lot can stop us and slow us down.


My diamond on a landmine, forever <3


In a perfect world, a broken heart is fixed.


Bottom line, I want her to know that I love her despite her stupid 'reasoning' why she thinks I dont. I want her to trust me. I want her to love me again. I wish I could take back everything.
Control Alt-delete it


I still love you <3


Forever and always <3






fiercest of all the basils who are fierce?

my fierce basil

-Forever, forever
I'll walk a thousand miles,
Just to tell her, to tell her
Our love is still alive,
And I'll never, I'll never
I'll never let it die,
Well you'd better watch your step
She's a diamond on a landmine-








I love you <3

stuff that hurts. alot

"Its too soon for me to tell if im happy in your arms. Im unusually hard to hold onto. You aren't what I thought you were Good bye Iain smith"


I can't stress how much that hurt. Almost as much as "You may as well go and stab me right through the heart, because it would hurt a lot less than what you do to me all the time "


maybe im not ment for her. Tonight just told me exactly how she feels. "You aren't what I thought you were."  


that hurt. really really bad. Whats been said was said. I know how you feel now. I know how you think. 












And.Im.In.Pain












</3

Everybody needs some sympathy...? Reality is truly scaring me.

She's hurt again. I don't know why. I don't know how. It supposedly wasn't because of me, even though I did get a bit jealous when I said i didn't care about some fucking guy she used to like or something. Why should I care? She wouldn't care if I was talking about how I met past girls I liked. She is clearly upset and has hung up on me a few times. It hurts every time she does that, and tonight has just hurt my feelings a tiny bit. In a relationship you should tell each other what is troubling you. She expects it from me, but now she isn't telling me whats wrong with her? 


When she's hurt, I'm Hurt. Thats how the world works. 
She says its fine and to ignore it. 
IT'S NOT FUCKING FINE!!!!!
you say that all the time, and it is NOT fine! Understand that please. I'm just trying to help. 
im not mad at you. 


I love you gytha <3 no matter what <3


Relationship Status: Today I don't feel pretty

just some thoughts..

Love.Love.Love.Love.Love.Love.Love.Love.Love.Love.Love.Love.Love YOU <3 :)




our bubble wrapped dog, our home full of cactuses, wherever the hell we want, ICELAND <3 :D 


I LOVE YOU GYTHA :D :D :D <333333333333333333333333333333

My very first post

Yeah, so this is my very first post. I guess I've realized that I need somewhere to vent my angers, my fears, and anything else. I guess I could give it a try. To whomever might be out there reading, which will probably be nobody. I just need to write it down. Anyways this is not a good day. Very bad. I think ive lost the one person in the world I loved the most. My beautiful girlfriend Gytha, whom Im not sure is still my girlfriend :'( She has told me to let her go, I don't know what she means by that but I think its somewhere along the lines of 'Dump me,' Im very confused and don't know what to do, even my mom knows something is wrong. Im going for my Jiu-Jitsu and Karate yellow belt tonight, and I don't know if I can concentrate. I will have to try my best. I guess that is all.


Here are some of my favourite lyrics of any song anywhere is the world


Billy Talent- Surrender


She reads a book from across the street
Waiting for someone that she'll never meet
Talk over coffee for an hour or two
She wonders why I'm always in a good mood

Killing time before she struts her stuff
She needs support and I've become the crutch
She'll never know how much she means to me
I'd play the game but I'm the referee



(Surrender)
Every word, every thought, every sound
(Surrender)
Every touch, every smile, every frown
(Surrender)
All the pain we've endured until now
(Surrender)
All the hope that I lost you have found
(Surrender) Yourself to me


Even though I know what I'm looking for
She's got a brick wall behind her door
I'd travel time and confess to her
But I'm afraid she'd shoot the messenger

I think I found a flower in a field of weeds
I think I found a flower in a field of weeds
Searching until my hands bleed
This flower don't belong to me
I think I found a flower in a field of weeds
I think I found a flower in a field of weeds
Searching until my hands bleed
This flower don't belong to me
This flower don't belong to me
Why can't she belong to me?

Every word, every thought, every sound
Every touch, every smile, every frown
All the pain we've endured until now
All the hope that I lost, you have found

(Surrender)
Every word, every thought, every sound
(Surrender)
Every touch, every smile, every frown
(Surrender)
All the pain we've endured until now
(Surrender)
All the hope that I lost you have found

(Surrender)
I never had the nerve to ask
(Surrender)
Has my moment come and passed?
(Surrender)
I never had the nerve to ask
(Surrender)
Has my moment come and passed?
(Surrender)
I never had the nerve to ask
(Surrender)
Has my moment come and passed?
(Surrender)
I never had the nerve to ask




I love that song more than any other. Just like Gytha Chapman, who I love more than anything in the universe. Im sorry :'(